The quarter has ended, and it has left me feeling beaten and discouraged. Yes, I was on time with everything, but it pushed me to my limit. The anxieties that filled this past week and the overwhelmed feeling of how busy next week will be is wrecking my very soul. So I ran away today.
I needed a vacation. I needed peace and silence. I needed to be alone without any children vying for my attention. Without emails demanding I sign up for one more thing. Without texts asking me to help in one more way. I needed to be somewhere that I felt God's power, saw how huge and awesome He is, and remember that He is still in control of my life.
I got 10 hours of sleep last night, woke up, made pancakes, and went to a friend's church that has quickly become a favorite get-away place for me. I went there at the beginning of the month when I felt too worn out and uninspired to go to my church where everything is familiar and routine. It has been just what my soul needed when I go. To hear my friend lead worship with her sweet voice, to see her smiling face, knowing how much I miss being around her encouraging spirit was medicine to my worn and tired self. The songs that were chosen for that morning rushed me like a waterfall and the tears that I'd held back all week couldn't be stopped. Words about how much God loves me, knowing that His love is the only way I can keep going through with this craziness. He cares about me, and He won't let me fall.
After church I went to the beach. There's no better place to see God's awesomeness than the beach. Hearing the crash of the waves, seeing the never-ending water, the beauty of the surroundings. Each of those things speaks to me about who God is. I just lay there and rested for hours. I finished reading a book, read my Bible, read today's Jesus Calling, which said, "I am with you, I am with you, I am with you!" Thank you, Lord! I got to journal, since writing is how I process best. (Hence, three blog posts this week!) And I got to listen to Rend Collective Experiment, whose words spoke deeply to my soul. I want to share some of their lyrics with you.
You Are Love Rend Collective Experiment
A mind full of questions And a heart full of pain Can't understand why we are here again
My thoughts this week have reached anxiousness as I wonder, "Am I cut out for this? Is this what it's always going to be like? Am I ever going to be healthy again? Why am I so tired? When will I have time for my friends? How will my hopes and dreams for the future fit with this crazy, paced lifestyle I'm living now?" There's pain in the anxiety of it all. I'm frustrated that I've been worrying myself sick again. I haven't done that since Junior High. I don't understand why it's happening now or how to make it stop.
But there's grace in this season, Not just to see us through, But renew us
God has given me grace to take each day one at a time. His grace will get me through, and as I rest in it, it will renew my mind, my heart, and my body.
You are love Lord And Your ways testify You are love Lord Perfectly defined Through the suffering or joy We will confide in your perfect love
I love this part of the song. Love cannot be defined any greater than Jesus. His gift to us. His suffering and His joy speaks of what Love is. I must continue to confide in His love with each day that I feel I am suffering through, with each moment that brings great joy to me. In all things, I must be aware of His presence.
A mind full of questions With a future unclear But your perfect love scatters fear
That's my favorite line of the whole song, "Your perfect love scatters fear." The anxieties I am facing are scattered--thrown to the farthest ends of the earth by God's love. His love is bigger, greater, and more powerful than anything I fear. I may not know what next year holds, if I will have a job or not, but His love scatters those worries. I can trust in Him to remove them far from me.
Cos your will is to build up And not to harm But to complete us
His plan is perfect. His plan involves building me up, not bringing me down. This place He has called me to is where I need to be. Through this experience, He is growing me and bringing me closer to completion. James 1:4 says to, "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
It's time to stretch these legs of faith, And run into this unknown width, The truth of Your love for us
It's a race I'm in, I have to be stretched so that I can be pushed to my limits to do the amazing things God has in store. I must run with endurance the path set before me. The truth that I carry with me is how much God loves me and will never ever give up on me. When I am weak, there He is strong.