Searching

I would like to preface this entry to say that I don't post these to get attention or make people more interested (or less interested) in what I'm going through. I post them because it is the core of what is happening in my heart, and it's hard. It's so easy in our culture to hide. Put on that smile and say you're good when asked whether that's true or not. It's an immediate response. I am here dealing with frustration and discouragement, and although there is a huge urge to hide and let people go on thinking that I'm a "good" Christian and have it right when it comes to my relationship with God, I won't do it because I'm sure that I'm not alone in the things I struggle with. So I post this to let you know that I don't have it all together. I yell at God. I want to give up. And I post this to let you know that you're not alone in your struggles. I don't have the answers, but I have sympathy and understanding because it's where I am at too. November 27 Dear God,

What has happened to my faith in recent years? When did it turn to a downhill road? Why is there no more innocent pursuit of you? I remember in high school having a sweet desire to include you in so many things. I don't know why that doesn't happen anymore. Am I so caught up in searching for things of this world that that has become my home base instead of you? How am I supposed to fix that? Is it another habit that needs breaking? I'm feeling discouraged about who I am and what I've become. Am I still the woman you've created me to be? Are you pleased with what you see? Because I know I'm not.

November 29 Dear Jesus,

I'm so discouraged. I'm worn out and stretched thin. I don't know where to turn anymore. I'm confused about what's going on in my head and my heart. I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying, tired of getting hurt, tired of the fears, tired of not knowing what to do. Please remove this cup from me. It is so very hard to keep my self-confidence in who I am as your child when I see failures pressing in on every side. I fear that I'll never be enough and that I'm too much at the same time.

I question what you've been doing in my life these past 3-1/2 years. Something must be going on behind the scenes, right? My trust is lacking in that. I'm doubtful. Please help me out, Jesus. Like you did with John the Baptist when he doubted you. You affirmed who he was and what he was doing. I need affirmation. I feel like I have it all wrong. Help me to understand or have more faith or something. Whatever it is that is lacking right now, I'm begging you to please provide! I'm tired of sitting idly by. It just makes me feel like I'm doing it wrong. Where's the relief?

How would you feel if you looked reflectively at your life and just saw a fat question mark? But you've never had to do that. You've always known it all--knew what you were supposed to do and when you were supposed to do it. The thought just popped into my head that I know what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to worship God all the time. But no offense, that sounds like crap to me right now. That sounds like the good, Sunday School answer. Yes, that's what you did, but to me, your purpose was to teach and then give your life on the cross to save everyone. That's not a Sunday School answer. That's a thing. A purpose. A calling. What is that for me?

Where are you when I'm hurting? Where are you when I'm discouraged? Where are you when Satan is feeding me lies? Where God? I pray. I sit still and listen for your answer, and you're quiet. That yet again makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I need to figure out the core of the problem first. Maybe I need to thank you for my blessings first...you know, follow the ACTS way to pray: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication. Maybe I need to not ask so many questions. I laugh at the irony. This is exactly what I do in my life. When something doesn't work, I try it a different way. But I'm out of ways to try now, so I'm stuck. I've hit the wall. Now what? Where do I go from here? What do I do? I wonder if it's just that I need to stop doing it my way and let you do it your way, but I've been asking you what your way is for a while now, and you're not telling me. So now what?

I hate this. If this is the "Christian life" I've signed up for to live my whole life, I'm not convinced it's a very effective way of living.

I feel like if I break one more time I'll be shattered into a million pieces. Don't you see me hurting? If you don't see me, then who will....?